Dear Andre,
I’m a 28-year old heterosexual guy and have by no means make a girl cum during sexual intimacy. I’ve had numerous girlfriends and they all say they like what we do, but most customarily I cum and then they give up and we go to sleep or do something else. What am I doing wrong?
Or is it just me?
First of all, the fact that every girl you’ve slept with has felt at ease being honest about their problem achieving orgasm with you is a pretty stable testament to your person. Because our society has never historically prioritized girls' pleasure – in spite of everything, theory calls for the man’s orgasm, and not the woman – many heterosexual men are socialized to trust that our orgasms are by some means less vital than theirs. At the very least, our lifestyle’s predisposal towards abstinence-only sex education (in place of sex-positive, pleasure-based schooling) guarantees that both young ladies and men spend their sexual awakenings distracted by their insecurities, mitigating internalized disgrace, or involved with their perceived social popularity more than being present with their partners or companions.
As such, many girls mature into ladies who discover themselves performing sexuality instead of authentically experiencing it. The practice of faking orgasms continues to be rampant, particularly because women have inner genitalia and might “break out” with it in a way that folks with outside genitalia usually can’t. Yet some other societal approach to sex training is that young people rarely learn how to speak about sex and sexuality. Many don’t even feel as though they've permission to accomplish that. That leaves us with a bunch of folks who at the same time as adults, find themselves feeling disconnected from their very own bodies, mystified by way of their partners’ bodies, and not able to bridge the verbal exchange gap for fear of their vulnerability being rewarded with rejection.
Back to you, reader. As evidenced by your past girlfriends’ forthcoming-ness, you glaringly create a surrounding of positivity, safety, and acceptance. That’s Step I – congratulations! You’ve additionally conquered Step II, that's a proper investment for your partners’ pleasure and a commitment to getting your companions off (if that’s a priority of theirs, of course). So, let's put together what comes next.
When I first embark on a sexual relationship with a new person irrespective of gender, there are a series of questions I’m sure to ask just because of my curiosity:
-Firstly, tell me about your sex drive. How regularly do you desire sex and how well do you fluctuate those sexual desires? If so, what are the factors that can affect it? (Certain medications, traumatic experiences, body shaming and insecurity, lack of confidence)
-How critical is orgasm to you in the course of sexual encounters?
-Do you have a healthful masturbation practice? If so, are you able to get yourself off?
-How do you typically like to cum - solo sex and partnered sex?
-What are a few elements which could make orgasm difficult for you? (Alcohol intake, mind distractedness)
-What is your definition of “sex”? Must it usually be penetrative? Do you experience oral sex? Hand sex? Toys? Have you experimented with other types of physical intimacy, including mutual masturbation, masturbatory assists, or kink/BDSM play?
-Do you want to cuddle? Do you want to hop in the bath straight away? Do you want me to roll off of you as I fetch you some water? And so on.
However, the biggest secret to good sex is simple: The more you talk about it, the better it becomes. So next time you pursue a new sexual connection, strive to integrate those questions into your pre-intimacy negotiation (and be sure to share your answers with your partner as well!). Emphasize to your partner that you care about exploring her body and giving her satisfaction than you do reaching the “goal” of orgasm.
Best of luck to you!
-Andre